The Preservation Challenge.

By 10:35 , , , ,

(I know I'm posting like crazy, so please don't disregard the post before this one where I tell the USA to cry me a river...) 

I finally decided to go to mass this morning after not going for about... a couple of months.  I was feeling really unmotivated with the church here near my aunt's house and some of the things the priests were preaching that I didn't necessarily agree with (and didn't think the church would agree with either).  But since the past few weeks have been roller coaster-esque emotionally for me, I decided to make an effort to get up early this morning since I also decided to stay in last night and make up for not sleeping well for the past few weeks either! 

While at mass, the thing that most caught my attention was not the priest's homily.  In fact, I was quite viajando throughout the entire homily and thinking about the concert I'm attending tonight, my apartment issues, my family, Kyle's arrival next week and everything I'm doing to prepare/how excited I am, how I'm a failure with men, etc... you know, the usual homily distraction mind wanderings.

What caught my eye and attention was the little hymnal (is that how you spell it?) with a sticker on the front that said something along the lines of: 

"Não leva para casa. Não dobra as folhas. Não escreve dentro... Preserve hoje para você usar amanhã." (Don't take [this book] home.  Do not fold pages. Do not write inside... Preserve [it] today so you can use [it] tomorrow)

As completely unbiblical as this is, and certainly not some sort of subliminal message the cute old secretaries at the church intended, I reflected on the last part of this message (as well) during the priest's homily and throughout the mass and decided I had to write about it before forgetting.  I believe wholeheartedly in "living in the present," as much as my overanalysis and difficulty in making decisions may wish to argue with this premise.  At the same time, I think there's a way to reconcile the two.  Living in the present doesn't necessarily mean going out and getting wasted every night, hooking up with various people, spending the money you don't have because you never know what's going to happen tomorrow... I think the message on the hymnal can be used as an analogy for how to live our lives.  We often dream of growing older, often with the people we love surrounding us, but don't really do anything to deserve that dream.  Reading this made me feel better about staying in last night to catch up on sleep and get rid of these horrid under eye circles, paying R$140 for the hippie "About Us" festival promoting environmental responsibility (DMB, Seu Jorge & Ben Harper are just added bonuses) tonight, keeping with my goal to eat at least one fruit a day and drink as much water as I can get a hold of, walking every chance I get, sporadic outings with friends in SP and beyond, and overall being blessed with everything needed to live a healthy and proactive life. 

The message did not however, make me feel good about not being near my parents and preserving the time I could be spending with them now, how I allow myself to get emotionally involved in situations that tear me up inside for no legit reason (this has to do with lack of emotional preservation, haha), how I can't bring myself to make a decision about anything that involves the semi-long term (i.e., should I rent an apt now? [can I afford the debt?], should I get bangs again? [I think the girl who cut my hair yesterday hates me]), how I can't bring myself to express my feelings or opinions to men and friends, respectively, how I haven't been working out, eating more dessert than I should, and drinking lots of beer... 

It's funny how you go some place looking for one thing (in my case, spiritual fulfillment, words of wisdom, prayer), and end up finding something completely unexpected and so simple.  Maybe this is what God had in store for me to find at mass this morning. I hope.  Let's just hope I can bring myself to be proactive regarding some of the things I don't feel so wonderful about these days.  

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